God is a Geezer

God, on a Saturday afternoon

A few months ago in a remote region of the Sinai desert, another of the lost Dead Sea scrolls surfaced. Sometimes known among scholars as the "Gospel of St. Marvin-of-the-Chaise-Lounge," it has recently been translated, and it is about to set the world of biblical scholarship on its ear.

St. Marvin, apparently a scholar of some fame, even notoriety, in ancient Judea, reveals an early tale obviously ignored when the sanctioned Bible would be registered for copyright some years later.  It throws into doubt a central element of all Christian dogma—the Ten Commandments themselves.

In the newly translated scrolls, we learn that centuries before Marvin's time, the forefather Moses coming down off the mountain was so distrusted by the young men of the tribe that they quickly dismissed the real 10 laws proclaimed by Moses.  These whipper-snappers instead took in upon themselves to cast away Moses' inspired message from God, and instead substituted the dreary mandates the world eventually came to revere as God's word. Like most geezers, Moses seems to have been mistrusted by young adults who assumed arrogantly that they knew better.

In reality, as translations from the Greek prove, God himself was a Geezer. The actual 10 holy suggestions that so excited Moses were far, far different edicts than those today codified as "commandments."  Now translated for the first time, the rules by which Christians REALLY should be living can be read below.

The translation below is that of Dr. Oprah Petreus, noted expert on ancient Greek glyphs.

"MOSES. THESE ARE THE WORDS OF THE LORD GOD, YOUR MASTER AND SHEPHERD. HEED THEM WELL!!!:"

1. "No household under God shall have more kitchen utensils, measured by volume, than it contains hand tools for the workshop."

2. "No man calling himself God-fearing shall hire a manservant or maidservant to mow his lawn or clean his home. Fie on he who can do nothing for himself. "

3. "I, the Lord your God, do not care a whit if you lust after the wife of your neighbor, provided the wife of your neighbor is comely. You are only human, after all. Thoughts are not actions; I thought I gave you brains enough to understand that. Lighten up, already."

4. "Nor do I, the Lord your God, care if you lie down with another of the same gender as thyself. Why would I, the Lord your God, care about this? But Moses, stop flirting with Xerxes. He's not for you."

5. "And Moses, while we're on a theme.....that thing about spilling your seed on the ground?  I could care less. Though perhaps better into a woven cloth than on the ground. I, the Lord your God, do not care for messiness."

6. "No man calling himself a servant of God shall create an engine to blow snow or churn his own soil. Your God gave you muscles and joints for a reason. "

7. "All God-fearing servants shall hum or sing several times a day. You are terrible about this Moses. And a little dancing wouldn't hurt you either."

8. "Thou shalt knock it off with the slings and and spears, especially if you and Zipporah can't lock them up out of the reach of little Gershom and Eliezer.  People don't kill people....People with slings and spears kill people. "

9. "All of you should shut up and listen once in awhile. Don't yell it from the mountains, Moses, just  go down and converse quietly."

10. And Moses, some day your distant descendants will invent something called "Blue Tooth."  If you can, pass this along through the sons of your sons of your sons:  the Lord your God will visit shortly to smite the world clean of the Blue Tooth pestilence. "